interesting..

i made an observation on my way home from work today in the lyft vehicle while the driver said to me, "man.. this traffic is bad. have you ever seen anything so bad in your life?" then i said, "hm.. maybe a long time ago but i don't think it was at night like this." then he said, "i've never seen anything this bad since i lived here." i assume he came from africa because his reaction to the snow was similar to fredrick's reaction to the snow when i first met him a long time ago. i made the observation that no one had said that i sounded grumpy or mad ever while answering the phone at my job yet and i've been there a few months. i'm kinda surprised at that because i remember my grandma telling me NUMEROUS times when i used to speak to her on the phone every night when she was still alive that i needed to start sounding nicer because she said that i always sounded so grumpy. NO ONE has EVER told me that i sounded "grumpy" or mean or any other unpleasant mood while speaking to them on the phone at my job. i was thinking of the cause of why i might have sounded so unpleasant and pissed off to my grandma and all i can think of is because of my living situation at that current time. i was unemployed and living in a subsidized dump that my grandma claimed no one would help her move me from. that's kinda odd seeing as when she died, i asked my case manager at the time if he'd move me and he got right on it. my family was just forcing me to live based around their own fucking convenience. WTF IS NEW? that apartment and living situation was MISERABLE for me and i'm NEVER going back. this is MY life. NOT AMANDA'S. NOT MY DUMBASS MOM'S. NOT MY STUPID SISTER'S. MINE. if i ever get forced to go back there and/or back in my progression in life- you're not going to have a very happy stacy. AS IF YOU CARE. IT TOOK ME LONG EFUCKINGNOUGH TO GET MY ASS OUT OF THAT SHITHOLE AND TO FINALLY NETWORK A JOB THROUGH MY VOLUNTEERING FOR PHILANDO. MORE PROOF HE'S MY GUARDIAN ANGEL. THIS IS MY LIFE. NOT AMANDA'S. NOT MY MOM'S. JUST SO THEY CAN APPEAR SUPPORTIVE TO THEIR IN-LAWS LIKE THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT MY FUCKING GOOD. NOT TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION LIKE YOU'RE AN ACTUAL "SUPPORTIVE" AND LOVING PARENT- BECAUSE YOU AREN'T. the only fuckin reason why i ever used to come home every other weekend is because GRANDMA was alive and she threatened you if you didn't take me to your house. it's not like you gave a fuck anyway- i had to sit ALONE at your place while you went to the bar all the time until i told grandma that you used to make me sit at your house alone. she came into town for a while and sat with me while you went to the bar like the wannabe bar rat you are. then, she started to have you just take me to her house to see her and stay with her on the weekends. i might have a brain injury but i remember shit that happened after my accident pretty damn well now. might be because i continue being traumatized as long as i'm in this state. i sound more happier because i actually feel CONSTRUCTIVE now that i'm not just going to some sad excuse of a "rehabilitation" center like a mindless rehabilitation tool which purposely doesn't recognize my TRUE POTENTIAL AND ABILITY. therefore- I WASN'T GETTING ANYWHERE- which pleased my family since they're not going anywhere themselves and MISERY LOVES COMPANY. i definetely don't recommend trying to get me to go back to that sad ass excuse of a "rehabilitation center"- courage kenny because i WILL act like a maniac and make sure i get kicked outta there. don't put it past me. don't EVER put ANYTHING past me. i promise you, i'll act like a maniac and make you regret even trying to look like you were "helping" me (because you AREN'T. this is MY life. NOT YOURS to have me do the shit you never would've wasted your time on but since it's not you- WHO GIVES A SHIT?!). i heard one of my past care coordinators claim i was all bark and no bite. interesting. we'll see about that. don't push it. i don't have anything left to lose and chances are you do.. so we'll see about that.